MEMORIES

Memories are such a funny thing aren’t they?

The past two weeks I’ve been applying the KonMari Method of tidying to my house, going through every individual thing and asking myself if it makes me happy.

It’s a bizarrely thorough process of decluttering, one that at the beginning seems quite over the top and you ask yourself if it’s all really necessary. But while you’re doing it, something changes. It becomes much more than just tidying away things. You remember the fabulous little boutique where you bought those slippers. You remember wandering the streets of a wonderful city till your feet blistered and your ankles hurt. You remember the holiday you wore this dress on, the person you were with, you see the waves on the beach.

And then it just keeps getting harder and harder. You get to the point where you come across stacks of old postcards and photographs.

Hand-written words.

Stolen moments that for some reason meant enough to you to print out the picture.

How much you’ve changed and how ridiculously little you’ve changed.

Bittersweet.

We hang on to things long gone and we try protect ourselves from the future.

Because we don’t hang on to things, we hang on to memories.

 

This time last year…

On the 22nd of December 2014 I wrote a blog post looking back on the year 2014 – go to “2012 vs. 2014 eh?” for the full post – but in brief – 2014 was pretty shit. Little did I know on that day that my aunt was going to pass away a day later as well.

I ended the blog post with: “I really hope that new year 2015 will be much better, I’m determined to make it better than 2014 in terms of my health & fitness, in terms of my work situation and my financial situation. I’d also like to travel much more, to follow my hobbies more with more travel, writing, painting and photography. I just wish for a year of calm and stability to be able to get my grounding back and find my groove again and spend quality time with the people I love, no more drama, no more stress.” – so how have I been doing in 2015 then?

Health & Fitness: my health has gotten better, I have not had any more panic attacks and anxiety like I did in 2014. Bad news on the back front though – my backpain has gone next level with serious sleep deprivation leading to prescription painkillers and memory-foam mattress purchasing. My fitness has gone to shit – I am now fatter than I have ever been in my life and hate looking at myself in the mirror and only wear big baggy jumpers – this needs URGENT sorting out in 2016. My skin has also gone to shit and it’s like nature’s revenge for having had good skin as a teenager or something?!

Job & Financials: I have a job I love again! I’ve been very happy in my job since March after spending all of 2014 in job-hate, I enjoy the work and the team and look forward to 2016. Financials – not yet back on the level I was at in 2013, but hopefully I’m crawling my way back.

Travel: this year I’ve been to The Netherlands, Germany, New York twice, Zimbabwe & Zambia – pretty good year. Already lined up for 2016 – Sweden, Germany, Netherlands, Romania, Spain and potentially more USA – so definitely a good travel year coming up, yaayy!!

Year of calm? Yes, 2015 has actually been very calm with little drama and that feels good, really good. Grounding? I’d like to think Lozza has a very grounding effect on me, he very much tells me to my face when I’m being a twat – and obviously Tasha does as well, so between the two of them I’m getting a lot of grounding I think.

It’s the week before Christmas and as always it puts me into depression, I hate this time of year because it makes me think of my family a lot and a lot of sadness comes back and this year its extra bad as it also reminds me a lot of my Aunt this time last year, visiting her in the hospice and then her funeral. I miss her a lot and wish she was still here.

 

Thinking…and not writing…

It has been an extremely long time since I wrote anything. I don’t mean since I just posted something. I mean since I really wrote something. Something that was inside my head that comes out onto paper/ the interweb.

To be honest, most of the time I swing between being very tired (just in general) and/ or being very pissed off and angry. I’m not angry at anything or anyone in particular, I’m just angry at the world. This world that rewards people who are selfish arseholes. A world in which the average 14 year old’s life ambition is to “become famous” and not actually learn anything or do anything productive. This world that doesn’t take care of it’s most vulnerable but discards the disabled, the terminally ill, the wounded and the elderly.

Maybe I’m just getting old and grumpy?

So really it’s probably a good thing that I’m not writing, because it would all just be a constant stream of anger, disappointment and disgust that is nothing but boring and depressing.

But today I was at the nail salon and in came a 90 year old lady, assisted by a woman who seemed like a volunteer of some sort. This 90 year old lady came in to have her nails done, she was frail, weak, hunched over and had shaking trembling hands. But boy was she full of life, she had the entire salon laughing the entire time she was there.

She joked about how old she was and how it was wonderful she didn’t have to do any housework, how her nails were the only thing strong about her nowadays, how she was going to go on a bike ride tomorrow on her “three wheeler” and how she might be turning 91 next week but she has a “toy boy” who comes to see her ever Sunday. She smiled and laughed and chatted with everyone – with the salon staff, with all the other customers – she showed off her nails and joked with complete strangers and as she left the salon she turned and waved like a celebrity and everyone waved back and wished her a good weekend. She was amazing. I loved her. She’s made me a little less angry about the world.