When you are female and in your late twenties and most of your friends are in their late twenties and early thirties, there is a lot of talk about relationships, about love and about guys.
Some of us have found Mr. Right, some are having doubts about their Mr. Right Now, some are already jaded and bitter. Some are scarred and wounded, others seem to have a shimmer of hope left. Some have the perfect plan in their mind, a plan that has been in the making and refining for many years. Some have serious Fear Of Missing Out – though this seems to be predominantly a male symptom. Others (like myself) seem to have no sodding clue what they want or are looking for but just keep looking, somehow incapable of giving up.
I have in the past ten years built up a reputation as having terrible taste in men, being attracted to the bad boys, the ones you just know are never going to commit but leave you high and dry when you need them the most, feeling worthless and unwanted. I have met some serious crazies on the way and also met some very nice guys on the way.
The past 6 weeks have been a very interesting time for me. For the very first time in my adult life I have not had a full time job and I’ve had a lot of time to think about myself, my life and what it is I actually want. I want to take this and use it constructively. I want to move forward towards things I want, to choosing things because I want them and not just to run away from something else. I seem to have always known what I don’t want, but not necessarily what I do want.
I want a nice guy. Someone who can be my best friend, who has the same values, ideals, dreams and sense of humour and makes me laugh (a lot). I want to be part of an awesome rock-solid team. I want someone who is caring, affectionate and patient, who is intelligent, tolerant and open-minded. Someone who doesn’t want or try to change me, but who supports me in growing and changing myself as I evolve. I want someone who makes me feel safe and will always protect me. I want someone who is calm and confident, who adores me above anything and anyone else but also respects my independence and need for personal space and does not smother me. In exchange, I offer to give all of this back.
Is this what happens when you reach your late twenties? Is this what is actually happening when from the outside it looks like you’re getting old, boring and desperate to “settle down”? I hate that phrase. I don’t want to “settle” for anything or anyone. To me the word “settle” implies making do with something not-that-great because you can’t do or get any better. So no, I don’t want to “settle”, I still want to find the person who is the perfect combination and balance for me. Wish me luck.